AMERICA: They see your posts. Every one of them. The grandbaby at the pumpkin patch, the grandbaby covered in birthday cake, the grandbaby asleep on Grandpa’s chest. And they are, according to sources close to the situation, fine. Totally fine. Just scrolling slowly and sighing audibly in the kitchen.
An informal, unscientific survey of the nation’s “I-wanna-be-a-grandparent” community reveals a population in a holding pattern. Many report having already purchased tiny socks “just in case,” and at least one household confirmed a fully stocked toy closet that has not yet met a single toddler.
Even more telling: many have already chosen their grandparent names. Sources confirm the shortlist includes Grammy, Mimi, Gigi, Lolly, Pop, and Papa, with some households reporting a “name of choice” that has been practiced in the mirror, on the dog, and once, regrettably, on the mail carrier.
“I’ve been Mimi since 2009,” said one hopeful grandparent-to-be, who has not yet been called Mimi by anyone. “I’ve got the name picked out. I’ve got the rocking chair picked out. I just need someone small enough to call me by my chosen name.”
“We dream of cuddling those angels,” said another, gazing wistfully at a stroller they swear they only bought because it was on sale. “We want to take them on outings. We’ve already planned the outings. There’s a spreadsheet.”
The adult children, meanwhile, are reportedly “too busy.” Sources describe the offspring as occupied with careers, travel, and “figuring things out,” a schedule so packed that experts say it has left no room for the one thing their parents have been quietly rehearsing for since roughly 1998.
Despite the delay, the would-be grandparents remain committed to supporting their children, should those children ever decide to have children who need supporting. Offers on the table include free babysitting, unlimited snacks, and a lifetime supply of “back in my day” stories.
“We’re not pressuring anyone,” added one grandparent-in-waiting, while casually leaving a baby book on the coffee table. “We just want you to know the door is open. The cookies are baked. The rocking chair is warmed up. And the name is ready, whenever you are.”
As this writer prepared to post, local grandparents were reportedly still liking everyone else’s grandbaby photos, with only a slight tremor in their typing fingers.
Experts say the best advice for those still waiting is simple: keep the faith, keep the guest room tidy, and keep a little patience in reserve. Good things come to those who wait, even if they come with sticky fingers and a very strong opinion about snacks and bedtime.
Anyone with a grandbaby to spare for hugs is encouraged to contact the nearest hopeful grandparent. They will be thrilled. They have been ready for years. They even have a name for it.
